Wednesday, September 16, 2009

5-25-08 / a journal entry

I'm trying to remember when all the searching started. I think it "started" with Sacred Romance by John Eldredge, some time in 2002. But I know in my heart that I've always been on this quest. I've always been aware in my soul that there was something missing ... something not quite right ... but I was too afraid to take a closer look. Two months ago, March 3, 2008, I found out that I have a different father than my other siblings. I'm the oldest of 5. The moment I heard the information it was like something broke loose in me. Moments of my life were instantly illuminated by the truth ... moments when I had been confused, moments when I felt disconnected from my family ... my siblings knew nothing of this when we were young, so it wasn't anything they did or didn't do ... it was just that there was this family secret that the adults knew, and it somehow changed the dynamics of my life ...

I've found out part of the story, but I still have questions. My mother has dementia, and I haven't asked her anything about it yet, and am not sure that I will. I'm asking for God's leading in this area. But I do want to know the story. In fact, I believe I need to know the story.

Today, God showed me Matthew 1, the genealogy of Jesus. Reading that list of generations and seeing that God thought it was important enough to include in the Gospels, made me see that my story is important. Not because of me, but because of His purposes in my life.

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