I feel like I've come full circle in a way. I started writing this blog without understanding that I was in the wilderness. At every turn, I thought I was finally out of the wilderness. In October of this year (2009), I spiraled down even deeper, and very quickly. And since I'm trying to actually look at the yuck in my life, I finally looked at one of the worst moments in my life. One year before I got pregnant with my now 12 year old son, I was pregnant. I was not married. The father was the man who is now my husband, and he was in his first trimester of school. He panicked. Because I lived for him, instead of following God, I panicked. I had an abortion. He dropped me at the clinic that day. I went into the surgical room. I was prepped. I heard the suction come on. I burst into gut wrenching sobs. The doctor stopped and said it was not too late to stop. But I told him to continue.
Afterwards, we never spoke of the abortion. We split. He was in a relationship with another woman. When he called me four months later, I opened my heart to him again. We bought a house, and I was pregnant again that same summer.
There was no question that we were having this baby. But we never dealt with the grief of the abortion together in any way. And honestly, I never dealt with the grief on my own. However, as I look back through my journal entries, every October I've had a rough period. But it was only this October that I was able to see the connection. It was only this October that I consciously grieved over this moment in my life. And I knew that my Father was with me, I knew that He was holding me that day as I let life be taken from me. I saw Him and I knew in His great love, He brought life back to me the following year.
I am not proud of the story of my child's birth. His father and I didn't marry until 2002, when my son was 5 years old. We went to a Justice of the Peace, with none of our friends or family as witnesses. I believe the reason I struggle with feeling that my husband doesn't really love me is because of the way we began our lives together. It's very difficult, and I am still not sure where the road is leading.
But today, as I read through this blog again, I realized that history had repeated itself in my story. My story is not so different from my mother's. And God is showing me that I must be ready to open my heart enough for my son so that he will have an opportunity to choose a different path.
In May of 2008, this is what I wrote:
"This morning in my quiet time, I asked the Lord to show me a scripture He wanted me to have today; I asked Him this after I asked Him what it is He wants for my life, and this is where my Bible fell open:
'Speak tenderly to her (he's talking about Jerusalem, but this morning He was speaking to me), and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.'
This is why it spoke to me so perfectly ... I believe that the lie that certain of my sins were unforgivable was passed down to me from my mom, and that was passed down from her mom .... what I heard Him say to me is, 'It's over ... no more shame, no more doubt, just see the double portion of love from Me'."
So I'm ending right now with this, with the knowledge that my life has come full circle. In May of 2008 I did not see it that way, but now in November of 2009 my eyes are fully open to what He is showing me. And now, my life begins, the one that He has planned for me, not just for me, but it includes my husband and my son. It's a story that starts with redemption and rescue, and will continue on a path that will be full of traps and snares. But now I know, deep down gut level know, that if I (we) stay glued to his side we will be safe, even when it looks and feels unsafe. I think I might be ready to truly trust His great heart, and obey His words, as best I can, this side of Heaven.